"I'm Jane, I'm an introvert, and I'm networking challenged." In the comedy routine of my mind, I feel like there should be an introvert support group where we introduce ourselves. If a group like that exists, I'm sure it would be small, just the way we like things.
Like several of my coaching clients, I need to get out and network as part of my business. I find it's an activity that in the past I have avoided, postponed and outright dreaded. The thought of walking into a room of strangers, all happily talking and networking away, scares the hell out of me.
I have an extremely extroverted friend who goes out to networking events one or two nights a week and *loves* them. Over the year that I've known her, I've watched with awe and envy as she builds, nurtures and leverages her connections from those events to create an amazing professional presence that serves her career in multiple ways. She recently encouraged me to go to a networking event and I decided to take my envy and do something useful with it. I said yes. Panic set in just moments later.
I asked my extrovert friend a series of questions she found very odd, since social skills are like breathing for her, but I managed to learn the following useful tips. These strategies were simple, reassuring and actually worked for me. I managed to successfully network in a ridiculously crowded room for almost two hours, making some good connections and leaving flushed with pride, thinking "Wow, I did it!!"
What do you do when you first walk into a crowded room?
Arrive and get your bearings by going and doing something, like finding a place to set down your things, get a drink or appetizer, browse a literature table. I'm really good at this part, so it was reassuring to know it was a legitimate starting point.
Stand and look around. I usually have blind panic driving me to find an immediate landing pad, so I was surprised to hear my friend say "Don't feel bad just standing there sipping a drink, it really is ok to not interact with anyone immediately." Wow, extroverts think it's ok to stand there alone? Who knew?
Look to see if you know anyone. Talking to people you know is not only more comfortable, but the easiest way to be introduced to new people. I was shocked to hear an extrovert who regularly goes to networking events say that it's really hard for her to walk into a room and not know anyone. I thought bee-lining for people you knew would be cheating, but it turns out to be a perfectly valid strategy!
Look for other people standing alone. "It's always awkward to go up to a group of people who are already talking. Someone standing alone will welcome your company." This was another surprise for me, coming from an extrovert. I always thought it was my own social shyness that kept me from being able to join a group of people already talking. Turns out, it's not the best idea anyway.
Make eye contact first. To really know if you'll be received and welcomed, make eye contact as you cross the room. It's both a signal that you're interested and a double-check that the person is open and interested in connecting with you. Don't forget to smile and breath while you do this. (I stumbled into a great blog for introverts while writing this; I love her post on party survival tips for introverts, which had these and 10 other truly useful tips.)
What do you say when you first walk up to someone?
Introduce yourself, then ask a starter question like
What do you do?
Have you been to one of these events before?
What did you think of [the speaker, the presentation or anything that's happened at the event]
Know that everyone at a networking event is there for the same reason--to meet people. This actually makes conversations much easier to start and maintain than at a cocktail party. At a networking event, you all are interested in finding out what others do and sharing what you do.
Ask questions, be interested. This is always my favorite strategy for connecting without having to talk before I'm ready. By the time it's my turn, I've relaxed a little and feel enough rapport to be comfortable talking with a new person.
Then what? What's the point of all this talking and meeting?
Meet enjoyable, interesting new people. Bad networking is moving around a room pressing business cards into
people's hands and not connecting. Good networking is making new
connections that you enjoy.
Go for an enjoyable conversation! Nothing more needs to happen. I always imagined that "networking" was about making really strategic business connections and there must be some secret agenda strategy good networkers employed. But my extrovert friend actually burst out laughing at this question, the answer seemed so obvious to her. Liberating answer for me: I do know how to have enjoyable 1:1 conversations and find starting with non-personal work related topics very comfortable.
Build connections over time. Look for opportunities to network again with the same people. One of the reasons my friend enjoys networking events so much is that she sees the same people over and over. She genuinely enjoys their company and what she learns from talking with them. And added benefit to this is knowing more people to start with the next time you come back!
Give first, be open to whatever might come next. What kind of information, advice or connections can you offer the person you just met? Being a genuinely useful contact makes you memorable. In return, your new connection could lead to a new job opportunity, a source of useful information, a link to another even more interesting person. My friend just had an incredible new opportunity show up in her life as the result of a network connection she made years ago. She helped that person out, he remembered her, and years later made the introduction that lead to her current good fortune. You never know.
Just got off the phone with a coaching client who has goals that rely completely on her ability to influence others to do the work. We looked at how she could create a focused, intentional communication strategy to guide what she says to whom and how best to do it.
Influence Management Communication
Strategy
Identify
your difference audience segments.Individuals or organizations who:
Share
the same perspective, needs or connection to your goals (e.g., all chiefs of staff or dept
heads, all practitioners or staff in a particular area)
You
would meet or communicate with at the same time (e.g., everyone on a
particular committee or in the same dept). For an individual essential for you to influence. plan for at least some 1:1 meetings.
My client is a senior leader responsible for influencing the actions of several other senior leaders and key members of their organizations. It's not possible to meet with everyone at the same time, nor would the message be the same for everyone. I'm helping her figure out how to "bucket" or categorize the different segments of her audience so that we can tailor the communication message and mode appropriately.
Identify
how and why each person or group is important to you.
How
important is their work to your goals?
What
specifically do you need from them to support achieving your goals?
Not every stakeholder is equal. For my client, influencing one particular Chief of Staff was more important to achieving her goal than anyone else. She needs him to be a strong, visibly supportive champion of her goals in order for her to get the physicians, nurses and other staff in his organization to take action. She'll dedicate far more focused time and energy meeting with this Chief of Staff than anyone else, and know it's time well spent.
How
often and by what means should you communicate?
Although keeping everyone's focus on her initiatives is crucial to her
success, she has many other job responsibilities and only so much time
in the week to dedicate to communication and influence. We confirmed that she has the right level of communication for each segment of her audience, based on how important it was to influence them. For the two Chiefs most important to influence, she has weekly 1:1 meetings. She meets with the remaining Chiefs in weekly team meetings. For nursing and other support staff supervisors, monthly team meetings and/or email communication is sufficient for successful influence. For all other medical center employees, general communication modes like newsletters and posters are enough additional communication to support pass-downs they receive from informed Chiefs and supervisors.
How
can you best support this audience of stakeholders?
Often what you want from a stakeholder requires them to make a change, commit time or supply other resources. Find out how you can make it easy for them. One client I work with had been at an impasse in a key project for months because he couldn't get a critical stakeholder on board with his initiative. He finally got a breakthrough commitment from them by taking the time to sit down and help them solve the problem his proposal was creating for them.
Identify
what to communicate. For each segment of your audience, ask:
What
messages do you need them to hear?
What
actions do you need them to take?
How can
you deliver your requests and message in a way that motivates and
influences them to take action?
Part of being influential is you being a clear, passionate communicator. The other part of influence is knowing how to get your audience inspired and motivated to take clear and specific action. My client has different, specific things she needs from Chiefs, nurses and general medical center staff. We are listing out the specific requests she has for each audience and tailoring her message to include the kinds of information that inspire each audience. For example, for Chiefs she is now going to include regular updates on two key metrics they are already highly motivated to manage. For nurses, who are motivated by participation of doctors in key initiatives, she is emphasizing stories and data that show how doctors are participating in the initiative.
One of the senior leaders I coached today told me a classic failed delegation story: "I delegated some research work to one of my junior staff members. I asked her to follow up with a client who needed us to assess the effectiveness of their web site. I gave her the client's phone number, asked her to call and get the URL, then look over the web site and give me a report on what she found on the web site. A week later, she emailed me 'Here's the URL you requested.' "
You can almost hear her sigh of frustration, can't you?
I find as I coach leaders that there are very specific elements that go into effective delegation. Without these, delegating becomes a frustrating cycle of failed attempts to get work done that leave you wishing you'd just done it yourself. Maybe even questioning the competency of your staff.
Here are four key elements to effective delegation:
Explain context and big picture. People do tasks more effectively, independently and intelligently when they understand how the small task fits into the larger picture.
Ask questions. Don't assume you've been clear. Find out. For example, the leader I coached today might have asked:
Are you clear about what I want you to look for on the client's web site?
That was a multi-part request--will you recap it for me so I'm sure you caught it all?
What questions do you have about how to summarize that in a report back to me?
What's your workload like? When will you be able to fit this in?
Build in ownership and full responsibility.
I've heard more than one leader complain about staff not following
through on assigned tasks. Here are a couple of ways you can build in
ownership:
Have your employee take notes on your request and send them to you in email.
This allows you to verify they heard and understand all parts of the
task. It also gives both of you a written record of the request. Easy
to forward the email to them later and ask "where are we with this?"
Make it clear how and when you want them to update you on progress. Not every
employee realizes that it's their responsibility to loop back with you. Successful delegating means you don't have to track and follow up on your requests.
Be clear about the priority of the task and consequences of not doing it well or on time. Like understanding how a small task fits in with the larger picture, people are more likely to take the appropriate level of care and responsibility when they're clear on it's importance.
Assign a deadline. Even if there isn't a clear deadline, assign one. We all tend to put things off until they're due.
"You're not adding enough value
in meetings". Just in the last year I've coached close to a dozen people who all got
the same feedback from their manager. All turned out to be introverts on the MBTI (Myers-Briggs
Type Indicator). As I asked more questions about each situation, I
realized "not adding enough value" was code for "we want to hear you
talk more".
One of the biggest differences between extroverts and introverts is how
we process and share information. Extroverts talk to think. Introverts think before they talk. For many introverts, trying to talk in a team meeting is like trying to jump on a fast moving merry go round set in motion by the extroverts in the room. The extroverts are happily processing their thoughts out loud. The introverts are listening intently, trying to process everything they're hearing, find their own insight or opinion, then find the right words to express it.
Typically one of two things happens when an introvert finally speaks up in a meeting:
They contribute something completely brilliant. Everyone appreciates their contribution and wishes they would speak up more often.
No one hears what the introvert has to say, either because it's not said with enough volume and conviction to be noticed over the happy din of extroverted thinking and/or because the contribution is made so late in the conversation that everyone else has moved on in their thinking.
So how to get into the conversation sooner and get heard? Silence your inner Editor. Be willing to toss out draft ideas and not worry about how they'll be received. You can always edit out loud by adding clarifying details or a follow on comment like, "Maybe an even better way to say that is..."
One thing a lot of introverts I coach have in common is an Editor in their head who convinces them what they are about to say is somehow not good enough: it's not on point, it's not strategic enough, it's probably not important enough to say, etc. The Editor's commentary adds mental noise and physical stress to the introvert's system, making it even more difficult to put coherent thoughts together and find a good moment to leap into the discussion. Send your Editor on a break and join the extrovert party--think out loud.
When you have a long to-do list and low motivation, how do
you stay productive? A coaching client posed this question to me on Thursday. I
knew exactly what he was struggling with. It’s been a hot September week here
in California.
My body wants to kick back and stay relaxed like it’s still summer. My mind
knows that it’s fall, and the typical crush of 4th quarter work is barreling
down on us. Now is the time to get in gear, not fall behind. But getting myself
to be productive feels like wading through mud.
Here are four things that keep me productive even when my
motivation is low:
Board
game. Do you have a typical way that you track your to-do items? Switch it up. My client keeps his to-do items in a spreadsheet. I find mixing it up helps on a low energy, low motivation day. I post my to-do lists on the wall in front of me and make a game out of trying to clear the wall. The visual of things disappearing from the wall gives me incentive to keep going.
Random
encounters. Sometimes the best plan is no plan. On a low motivation day, give yourself room for spontaneity instead of forcing yourself to keep to a plan. I let myself wander around my office or house and play the game "whatever I see next, I'll do." A surprising amount gets done this way, with the side benefit that a lot of visual clutter disappears. (I'm an "out of sight, out of mind" person. The visual reminders I leave out for myself create piles and clutter if I fall behind on my to-do list.)
Most
annoying. This is a to-do list game to release and reclaim energy. Find the item on your list that irritates you the most every time you see it there. Channel your irritation into a determination to get it done, today. You "leak" a little energy every time you see that item and give it attention without doing it. You'll be amazed how much energy is gained by the relief of getting it done and saved by no longer having to think about it. This weekend I blended the perfect cocktail of low motivation with annoyance and got several house chores done that I'd put off all summer. As cooler weather and rain clouds moved in today, I feel extra pleased with myself that these tasks are finally done.
Remain
in motion. Above all, just keep moving, even if it’s slow. Think of building a fire: start with small twigs (the easy mindless chores), build up to the larger sticks and logs (tasks that take more energy or concentration). This weekend was my last free weekend before a long stretch of busy work weeks and weekend commitments. Regardless of my motivation and energy levels, I had to get things done. I let myself have brief breaks to power nap or zone in front of the tv--part of my low motivation was also being tired--but if I lingered more than 20-30 minutes, it took even more energy to get going again. Looking back on the weekend, 1) I can't believe how hard it was to keep going and 2) I can't believe how much I actually got done. "Remain in motion" was an essential strategy for me.
As I celebrated my 50th birthday this weekend in true fiery Leo fashion in a San Francisco bar filled with wonderful friends and wild dancing, a wild fire raged through 6000+ acres of my beloved Bonny Doon in the Santa Cruz mountains. Nearly all of my Bonny Doon friends had remained behind mandatory evacuation lines, some to protect their homes. I imagined all our houses remaining safe and put the fire out of my mind to be fully present for the party. Several friends there reminded me of how gripped and touched they were by an email I sent them after last year's Bonny Doon fire:
I got a
frantic call at 4:00pm Wednesday [June, 2008] from my friend J who had
learned the fire broke out an hour before across the street from her
house—could I meet her and help her evacuate? I dropped everything,
jumped in my car, and picked her up roadside.
For the 14 years I’ve
lived here, fire has been my number one fear. Locals say “Not if, but
when a fire breaks out…” For the last two years, I’ve felt the
inevitability of it happening. When the Summit fire happened in south
county a couple of weeks ago I kicked myself into gear and got us all
“go” boxes (grab and go!), made lists of what I’d take if I had ten
minutes, if I had an hour, if I had four hours. I had thrown my “go” box
in the car to use at J’s. We raced down the road to her house,
making plans along the way for what we’d grab. There’s really no way to describe what it felt like
to catch first glimpse of the huge smoke plume, right there, five minutes
from my house.
After
loading my car with J’s life, I remembered that her next door
neighbor had a dog and worked in San Jose. I raced up, found Cookie
inside, house sealed up tight as a drum. As I came around the back side
of his house, trying every one of his dozen sliding glass doors, I
caught full view of the fire from across his meadow. Massive. So close
I could see the orange glow at the base of the plume. Must get Cookie
out. No key in any logical place. Raced back to J’s, called my
housemate Regina to go get my phone list so I could track neighbor Tom
down…isn’t he contracting at Lockheed Martin? Where is that??
Regina
tells me that we’re under mandatory evacuation, they’re packing their
car, they’ll stay with my dogs until I get there. I’m still committed
to getting Cookie first, I know there’s most likely hours before the
fire could get to my house. I call 411, which gives recording saying
they’re flooded with calls, dial 0 for assistance. Operator tries to
pass me back to 411. I short hand the headlines of the situation and
she’s amazing—she stays with me on the line through several attempts to
find right Lockheed Martin phone number. It’s after 5pm, Tom’s a
contractor, I have no idea in what building, what extension…as I’m
musing out loud about just smashing one of the $5000 sliding glass
doors (how much does Tom love his dog??), the security guard actually
locates him and we’re on the phone together. I find out where the spare
key is, I forget to get Tom’s cell phone number, he forgets to tell me
there’s a cat inside.
I get
Cookie, who’s a big loveable golden lab that first presents as Kujo,
but I already know that about her. I get her in my car and it hits me:
I now have my car full of someone else’s stuff and someone else’s dog
and I need to go evacuate myself and my two dogs. J and I make
frantic complicated plans about my car, her car, her motorcycle,
roadside car switches, and getting my empty car back to me.
I leave with
Cookie and realize as I’m driving back that my friend Terry’s house and
two dogs are also close to the fire. She’s away for a couple of weeks
and her husband works in San Jose. I have no idea what I’m going to do
with two more dogs, but I swing by her house anyway. Her husband is home,
thankfully. Seems to be non-plussed. He’s heard that the fire is moving
down away from us. I’m just glad he’s there and I don’t have two more
dogs.
I get home and my mind is a mess. Regina and
Joel have packed up their family and leave as soon as I get home.
Regina has had the presence of mind to video tape both of our houses.
They offer me a place to stay in Ben Lomond; friends have 40 acres off
the grid. I mentally note to throw my tent and sleeping bag in the car. I
realize that I’ve never thought about where I would go.
I listen to
voice mails hoping Tom has called back. I have to leave Cookie in the
car—my dog Savannah (who’s so relieved I’m home) is trying to chase Cookie
down the driveway. No message from Tom, lots of messages from others.
One is from my sensible friends Lisa and Matt, who live just down in
Felton. They’ve been with me through stress and chaos (Open Studios
prep!). They’re just what I need. Matt works for a “first responder” in
Boulder Creek (the folks who coordinated everyone on the ground in NYC
9/11 and other major disasters). I babble to Lisa and say “I need another
adult brain here.” I can tell I’m not thinking clearly anymore. I know
I have hours, if the fire ever gets to my house, but racing around at
J’s and Tom’s has undone me.
J arrives after sweeping and hosing down
her roof and shutting off her propane. She magically gets everything
from my car into her car. I get my “go” box back. Cookie, who seems so
calm, throws up in J’s car, which is a last straw. I’m
definitely stuck with Cookie until Tom finds his way to my house (wow,
I hope he remembers where I live…why didn’t I get his cell number??).
My friend Matt, who looks very much like Edgar Winter, arrives wearing
a company shirt that says “Relax. I do this all the time.”
And he is
the guy you want to have there. He remains in calm motion, periodically
calling out “Where are you now?” to track me through the house, and
asking me useful questions like “did you remember your cell phone
charger?” He puts Cookie in his car. I clean up dog puke while J
thinks of sensible things like shutting off propane and closing windows.
Tom and his wife arrive. The road to their
house is closed now, they haven’t been able to get anything out of the
house. Cookie is their “baby”. They both hug me. His wife softly and
sadly says, “We have a cat.” We all look at each other. Maybe having
the house sealed up like a drum will turn out to be a good thing.
By 7:30pm, Matt and I are leaving Bonny Doon with
my odd assortment of things and both dogs: boxes of records and
receipts so you can prove you’re you and prove what you had to
insurance company; packing me and the dogs for a week or more away from
home; packing up all the files and books I need to keep up with my work
week; packing for next week’s business travel in case I can’t get back;
oh yeah, and packing up things that would be gross to come home to if
the power goes out, like 100# of frozen dog meat. All very practical.
At the last minute I grab some pictures and favorite clothes. I accept
Matt and Lisa’s offer to stay with them. We have baby gates and a plan
for how we’ll segregate cats and dogs.
The next two days are a blur of trying to keep
up with work, getting my dogs settled in, contacting a few people here
and there as I have time, trying to keep up with fire new myself. I
haven’t heard from J and wonder if her house is still standing.
She built it herself and put everything she had into it.
Thursday night I get a call from J. I’m
so drained that I’ve stopped answering the phone, but I see it’s her
and rally. I open with “Hey—where are you?? Are you ok? Where are you?”
I hear the sound of her munching on something. “I’m fine. I’m at your
house.”
?? “You’re at my house? How is my house? Why are you at my
house and I’m not? And what are you eating?”
For any of you that know
J, she’s one-of-a-kind, complete character. Her response is completely in keeping with her character: “I’m eating a
meatball sandwich. I was trying to think of where I could stay [she
rattles off a list of equally unattractive couch and camping
possibilities], and then I thought of a house with a hot tub, big
screen tv, and soft bed that was sitting empty. So I’m here at your
house.”
I’m laughing as she carries on in her matter of fact, slightly
playful tone of voice, “Yeah, and I picked up a tv news crew earlier tonight from
a Spanish language station in Salinas and offered to be their tour
guide. Got myself into the fire zone and checked it all out. Gave them
a tour of my house too. I’m going to be on tv with subtitles tonight,
‘yes, and here is the house I built…’ It’s still standing. The fire is
moving down the mountain towards the ocean. Your house is fine!”
I have another sleepless night at Matt and
Lisa’s, listening to their 14 year old dog bark all night. She’s in a
lot of pain. Her routine has been disrupted. She and Savannah have been
very civil to each other, but it’s all a bit much for her. I think of
J relaxing in my hot tub.
I call her up in the morning to see how the
night went and get her ground level assessment of whether it’s safe to
come home yet. I seem to no longer be on the mandatory evacuation
lists and the fire is clearly moving away from my house. The winds, so
strong on Tuesday night and for weeks prior, have been blessedly calm.
I’m really ready to be home.
“Hey, how is it up there this morning?” I ask J.
“Oh, it’s great! I just had breakfast with the fire crews.”
??
“Yeah, I
popped in, had a big cup of tea, eggs with chicken fried steaks and
gravy.”
Only in J’s world. I’m laughing again.
“Yeah, I chatted
up the fire crews. They’re rolling up hoses and “mopping up.” They have
the fire “laying down”, which I learned means it’s still burning on the
ground but not “crowning” or leaping from tree to tree any more. They’re sure they’ll have it contained by sometime
Saturday. You’re totally safe to come home. All the roads are open
now.”
That J. Clever. Useful. One of a kind. So hours before all this
information hits the news, I’m packed up, heading home, and the first
to call the propane company to come hook us back up so we can cook and
take hot showers.
I take in the scene as I drive back into Bonny Doon. The little private airport just down the road
from my house is the main base camp for fire crews. There’s hundreds of
people, trucks, tents, outhouses, and food fans set up in organized
fashion. It’s a pretty amazing sight.
Having left my house willing to lose everything
and grateful for time to get out with what was most important, I get
choked up driving up the driveway. It’s all still there, looking better
than ever.
I unpack my life from the car, get my dogs Bucky and
Savannah settled in. Housemates return home and we cook dinner
together. Everyone is weary.
But I’m restless. It feels unsettling and vacant
to have been gone, to have no direct contact with what’s been going on.
I can hear the planes and helicopters, there’s still a massive diffuse
smoke cloud overhead, fine ash falling in the air. My friends Nancy and
Ilana, whose house is on the border of the Bonny Doon Eco Preserve
where the fire broke out, ignored the evacuation and stayed behind to
defend their house. I heard they’ve been without power. I drive over to
see if they need showers or dinner. I need to go see the remains of the
fire.
Ilana is out on the porch and sees me as I walk
up. She runs down their front path, “It’s so good to see you!” and
bursts into tears as she hugs me. “We both still have our homes!”
Yes,
this is what I needed.
They just got their power back on; Nancy is
happily making dinner. Ilana takes me on the hike that they have been
doing every day and every night for the past three days: up to the “lower”
Moon Rocks, where we have a view of the whole fire area. It’s clear
that it started exactly where people like to hang out and party,
sweeping down across the mountainside and up over the next ridge. It
smells like being in the middle of a massive campfire. I realize I've never thought about what a wild fire might smell like. Like a camp fire, of course.
Ilana has poison
oak up in her sinuses from the smoke. She holds her shirt over her
face. She tells me about being up there at night, watching tree tops
burning all over the mountainside like little candles. She shows me
where they looked down Wednesday night and suddenly realized the fire
was only 30 feet away, climbing up the hill towards them.
We can see several houses down below that were
spared. Fire crews are still down there dragging hoses around, but
there’s no visible flames. The smoke is coming from an area behind the
Moon Rocks, away from the ocean. Planes and helicopters are audible but
not visible. The sun is setting and the smoke has a pastel glow to it.
We run into three other people who have also come here to quietly sit
and let it all sink in. It feels reverential somehow.
Martin Road and the Eco Preserve that runs
along most of it are one of my favorite places on earth. It’s
surprising to see that it’s not barren devastation. The trees are all
still standing--brown and dead, but still standing. Ilana tells me the
view from down on Martin road, where the ground level fire is more
visible, is far more devastating.
I drive home from their house and see dozens of
hand painted signs on cardboard and plywood leaned against fences and
mailboxes. They all say “Thank you!” Some have balloons and ribbons. I
realize that the little girl and her father I noticed sitting quietly
at the end of their road on the way down to Nancy and Ilana’s were
there to wave at all the fire trucks driving up the road to base camp
at the end of another long day.
It’s good to be home.
Post script: As I post this blog, fire fighters have the Bonny Doon fire 65% contained. Roads are open. Not a single home has been lost. There is really no way a community can adequately express their gratitude to the thousands of fire fighters who show up, risk their lives, and spend every drop of energy they have fighting to save other people's homes, even if you all turn out to honor them.
My work requires me to be creative and confident. If I don’t
figure out how to set strategy for my business and come up with great ideas for
what to do next, I won’t be successful. Those of you who are in a senior
leadership position or self-employed know what I’m talking about.
So how do you wake up every day and get creative? I find
myself in near-continual creative crisis, which might surprise friends
and
colleagues to hear. I generally look like I have my business act
together and
take far more creative risks in life than the average person, including
venturing into making visual art late in life. But keeping a
clear channel open to my creativity is a big hassle in my life. Right
now I have a lot of
business development work to get done that requires my best creative
thinking
and most days feel like a slog. Days can go by with nothing important
accomplished. My inner critic, desperately trying to keep me from
creating and
going public with something really foolish, wins.
Isn’t it easy when someone compliments and encourages you? I
always have a streak of brilliant productivity. Finding external sources of
motivation and inspiration is a useful strategy. I’ve created some wonderful master
mind groups and co-coaching partnerships with colleagues to give myself regular
doses of external inspiration and validation. But it’s a temporary fix. In the
end, it’s still you sitting by yourself doing the work, slogging it out with
your inner critic.
I find my inner critic leaves me vulnerable to being
derailed not only by myself but by people who could potentially give me
inspiration and validation—a serious flaw in relying only on external sources.
Last fall a dear friend asked repeatedly if she could watch me create my metal
and neon art. I think I’m not very exciting to watch, but I said yes. It
was kind of flattering to have someone be so interested in my process. I’d been
telling her about a piece I was working on called “The Heart
Revealed.” I liked the concept—how opening our heart up can feel like tearing
ourselves open to reveal tender chambers that don’t often see the light of day.
But I didn’t like how the piece was coming together—the metal being peeled back
to reveal a slender stroke of pale lavender neon inside a dark chamber didn’t
look enough like a tear. It just wasn’t edgy enough.
I forgot to tell my friend it was all very metaphorical, so
when she saw the piece she asked a logical question, “Where’s the heart?” I
tried not to let the question bother me, but it snuck in through the door my
inner critic had left open and took up residence. I have not been back in my studio
since. After almost nine years of making art without flinching at what anyone thought, it took me by surprise.
I
realize that although I successfully managed my critical voice for
years while making art, I have not learned to do that as well when I
write or take risky new steps in my coaching business. As a result,
during the last three years of trying to find my creative voice in
business my inner critic has gotten a lot of air time, which is now spilling over into my art work.
To
set business strategy for a bold new direction, create a new
breakthrough idea or product, or create a work of art, we have to get
into a productive
relationship with our inner critic.
My brother, always a great gift-giver, just gave me the
perfect birthday present: the dark, cynical and quite funny Hugh MacLeod’s (gapingvoid.com) book, “Ignore
Everybody, and 39 Other Keys to Creativity.” This blog-to-book is the perfect
read for your inner critic. It’s full of great advice and sarcastic wit that
puts things in perspective for your inner critic, like:
1. Ignore everybody. You don’t know if your idea is any good
the moment it’s created. Neither does anyone else. MacLeod’s first chapter is a
great analysis of how resistance to change and power dynamics with friends and
business colleagues play into how our inner critic rushes in to protect us. I
often say fear is your friend; this first chapter usefully connected the
dots on relationship dynamics I wasn’t fully conscious of yet.
2. The idea doesn’t have to be big. It just has to be yours.
The more the idea is yours alone, the more freedom you have to do something
really amazing.This chapter does a 180 reframe on why it’s great to try stupid
things no one else is doing. Put a big smile on my face.
4. Good ideas have lonely childhoods. …the better the idea,
the more “out there” it initially will seem to other people, even people you
like and respect. Useful
insights on how and why new ideas get squelched
by your boss, your team, and your close friends. Helped me remember
that several great things I've created in my life, like my current
co-housing arrangement, had most of my friends and family very
concerned and skeptical at first.
6. You are responsible for your own experience. Nobody can
tell you if what you’re doing is good, meaningful, or worthwhile. The more
compelling the path, the more lonely it is. A little chapter full of straight
talk to the inner critic busy calling your latest effort stupid: generally speaking,
only comfortable, familiar (aka second-rate) ideas get big applause the minute
they’re born. Buck up and carry on with your stupid idea. All the best ones
are.
7. Everyone is born creative; everyone is given a box of
crayons in kindergarten. Then when you hit puberty they take the crayons away
and replace them with dry, uninspiring books on algebra, history, etc. Being
suddenly hit years later with the “creative bug” is just a wee voice telling
you, “I’d like my crayons back, please.” A completely fabulous chapter on how to
listen to yourself and sort out creative voices from critic voices.
There’s 35 more gems in this little book that Seth Godin calls “a work of art, a brilliant insight, a book that will change your
life.” I agree. Go get your own copy. Find your “box of crayons,”
whatever that is now. Let’s all go make surprising stuff happen.
With public thanks to my brother and Hugh for helping me
find my way back to myself: I made a date with an artist friend to work
together in my studio this Friday. I have several ideas for next pieces I can’t
wait to get out and start playing with. I have not one but five new blog posts
I’m having fun working on. And I am dusting off notes for a class I began
creating two years ago and bringing them with me to a seminar I’m taking this weekend
to get some feedback. I feel ready for whatever people have to say to me.
I’d love to hear about what you want to create, where you
struggle with your creativity in work or life and what you’ve found helps you
unleash yourself.
With all the "think positive" advice out there, what's a person to do with their fear, anxiety, worry and
other “negative” emotions? Block them? Stomp them out?
I have found it useful for myself and my coaching clients to think of fear as a friend. All of our behaviors, beliefs and feelings have a positive intention behind them. Constricting feelings like fear and anxiety exist to keep us safe from something, like failure, embarrassment or pain. They broadcast loudly to get our attention. (Robert Dilts, an outstanding thought-leader in NLP, provides excellent detail on the concept of positive intention.)
What I do with constricting emotions
like fear, worry and anxiety makes all the difference. If I let them hobble me and stop my progress,
then I’ve missed their gift. If I stop and listen carefully to those emotions, there's always a useful message about what I
want and need to feel balanced and take the next steps along my path.
Here's some questions you can ask to do this for yourself:
What is something you keep feeling, thinking or saying to yourself that drains your energy or makes you hesitate to move forward?
For example, I used to dread international travel. My thoughts and feelings before a trip were not excitement about going to a new country, they were all dread and anxiety about being trapped in a plane for 12+ hours. It took me enormous emotional energy to prepare for a trip when so much of me was in resistance to getting on the plane.
Ask yourself how this thought, feeling or image is trying to help you; for example, is it trying to show you a way in which you could be better prepared? When I listened more closely to the travel anxiety, I specifically kept imagining how uncomfortable I was going to be during the long flight. I saw myself not sleeping, feeling my legs twitch, my back ache. These are all things that happen to me regularly and would in fact keep me from being fresh enough to work effectively when I arrived.
What actions can you take to address your underlying concern and resolve the anxiety, worry, doubt or fear?
I used my specific concerns to plan my trip better: book an aisle seat, look
into mileage upgrade, consult with a Feldenkrais practicioner to find out
how to sit more comfortably, get permission to fly in a day
earlier, ask well-traveled friends what they did to fly comfortably. The result of taking all these steps was gaining a whole new set of useful travel strategies that continues to give me a feeling of complete inner calm before international travel. I listened to my anxiety and it no longer needs to broadcast loudly. The most amazing result? I've even learned how to sleep on a plane.
Here's a story based on a client's experience (name and details changed for privacy):
One of my coaching clients Peter had taught a couple of training
classes at work and loved it. He knew he wanted to do more and hoped some day
training would be a regular part of his role. When a re-organization at work
gave him a new opportunity to train a class, he immediately said yes. The class
was being sponsored by his new manager Teresa, who would likely be in the room
observing him. He’d heard Teresa had very high standards and he found himself
nervous about training with her at the back of the room watching.
Peter decided to take action
and really brush up on his training technique. He had seen me train several times and admired my training style and presence, so he called me for some short-term coaching on how to be an even more effective trainer. We had a great first session, during which he enthusiastically committed to several
follow-up steps. We made an appointment to meet again in
two weeks.
At our next coaching session, Peter reported having a terrible two
weeks. Every time he thought about training the class, all he could think about
was his new manager Teresa sitting at the back of the room watching him. The
more he tried to concentrate on preparing for the class, the louder his fears
got. He began having nightmarish dreams about the training going badly—participants
clearly bored or openly challenging his knowledge, completely forgetting what
the class was about, having his words get caught in his throat. All the while
with Teresa as a dark figure at the back of the room, staring at him as he
failed miserably, taking notes on everything he was doing wrong. He was a
wreck.
He was embarrassed to admit that he had not completed a single one
of the follow-up steps. Yes, he thought they were all excellent ideas. No, it
wasn’t that he had run out of time. “All I can think about is not being able to
control Teresa’s opinion of me,” he finally confessed.
I observed that it sounded like his fear of training in front
of Teresa had him paralyzed. "Part of that fear is really
valid—you want to do well in front of her, you know she has high standards, and
you were already feeling like your training technique could be better,” I said. “Do you know what specifically Teresa considers
hallmarks of good training? It seems like not knowing what would work for her
leaves you worrying that she could criticize everything you do.”
Peter was initially resistant
to asking Teresa about her training standards. He worried that she would take
his questions as a sign of weakness. But the more he sat with the idea, the
more he realized that without specific information on what she was looking for,
his mind was left to make up worst case scenarios.
We listened to his worry about talking with Teresa--he wanted to look confident, not weak. So we planned out questions that he felt confident asking, like "What would success look like for you with this class?" and "In your experience, what are great qualities in a trainer?" These questions felt less personal and more naturally professional for Peter to ask Teresa.
After talking with Teresa, Peter felt calm and relaxed. He knew exactly what to emphasize in his training and how to best leverage his trainer style to be successful in front of Teresa. The most useful result for Peter was that he remained calm and relaxed even when he hit a few bumps, which allowed him to gracefully course correct and continue on with the training day.
I just got Tweetdeck and am reveling in being able to locate people having Twitter conversations on topics I'm passionate about. One of those topics is stakeholder management. Recently I noticed several people retweeting Rob Llewellyn's blog poston CIO.com. I thought Llewllyn's comments were spot on: "Stakeholder management is a critical element of IT transformation and
indeed any business transformation and is easier said than done, but it
can often mean the difference between the success and failure of
transformation programmes." Over the 15 years I've been doing business coaching and meeting facilitation work, stakeholder management is one of the top factors I've seen lead to success or failure.
One particular experience stands out in my mind. I was asked to help facilitate a final agreement-building session on changes to a process that would impact multiple departments. A cross-functional team had worked hard for months putting together a redesigned process. They were excited to share the final proposal with key stakeholders and get their commitment to dedicate staff hours to help implement the plan.
At the end of their presentation, they were shocked to discover that their most important stakeholder was not on board with the proposal and not willing to commit resources for implementation. Moreover, this senior leader disagreed with the whole premise of their proposal. Her support was so critical that the proposal had to be scrapped and the team had to go back to square one. Everyone wondered what happened. Where did they go wrong?
When we followed up with the senior leader, it turned out that the representative from her dept on the cross-functional team didn't think it was his job to broker communication between his leader and the team. He had never spoken with the leader about the process and never gotten her input. Somehow this broken communication link never emerged in the team meetings--a sign that the whole team was not tracking well enough on the interests and concerns of their critical stakeholders.
Any leader or team who wants to accomplish something that impacts others or relies on resources outside of their control must do a good job of stakeholder management to be successful. If you don't communicate effectively with key stakeholders or overlook some, your project or decision-making process can drag on miserably or fail completely with missed deadlines, escalating costs and resistance or outright rebellion at implementation time.
Here's some basics I've found really make a difference in
creating good trust and communication with key stakeholders:
Ask your stakeholders two questions before you craft your proposal or make key decisions:
What
would be a win for you [in how we create this/do this]?
What
would really concern you/not work for you?
Make time on your agenda to report out stakeholder input and discuss how to take all the input into consideration.
The key to paving full-buy-in at the end is discovering and incorporating what works best for your key stakeholders as you develop your idea.
Often wins and concerns for one stakeholder are at odds with another. Find out what the underlying interest is for each. There is always a point where they have something in common; working from this point can give you a win for all parties.
Want to really build trust and relationship with your stakeholders? Loop back with them:
Explain how their input was taken into consideration, especially if
the end result is different than they requested.
If you're
building an application or process, show your work in stages to make sure it's
really matching what the stakeholder expected. It's common and entirely human
to misunderstand each other--baking check points into the process is key to
final success.
I'd like to keep exploring and expanding on the topic of stakeholder management. Do you know of a good book, article or blog on stakeholder management? What have you found is most important in successfully managing stakeholders?
It doesn't seem to matter whether the economy is booming and work is pouring in, or the economy is down and you're scrambling to keep clients and get everything done with a lean staff. There is a perpetual Big Squeeze for time. Nearly every business leader I coached last week was facing the same dilemma: where do you find more time when you've been over-committed for years and there's nothing left of your life to squeeze more time from?
One of the executives I spoke with last week described how her organization had advised everyone to block out 30% of their time for the unexpected. Sounded like a wise plan to me. But she reported her "unexpected" workload regularly far exceeded that 30% figure. When I probed on exactly what the unexpected work looked like, it turned out that recent layoffs and reorganizations were causing even more impromptu 1:1 meetings and phone calls than usual. "It's where I lose the most time every day," she told me. "People drop by my office unexpectedly, my calendar is crowded with 1:1 meetings. I never know how long these things are going to take. They eat up my whole day."
How much of your day is spent in 1:1 meetings? You might not have even considered talking with one other person a meeting, but every time someone calls you on the phone or stops by your office to "run something by you," bring you up to speed or get your advice, it's a little mini meeting.
Like any other meeting, a 1:1 meeting can benefit from a little structure. Most of us let our 1:1 meetings be conversations. We let them start and finish organically, with some wandering in the middle. We may or may not leave with clear result in hand. They typically take up as much time as we scheduled or as much time as we can spare.
You can add just enough structure to save precious time by asking one simple question at the beginning of any 1:1 meeting: what would we/you like to get out of this conversation? Asking this question establishes the goal of the meeting. Knowing the answer lends just enough structure to keep both of you focused and, most importantly, know when you've talked enough and the meeting can end. I regularly end meetings early and keep my impromptu meetings brief by taking a moment to identify the goal.
Tips on how to implement this simple technique:
Ask this question as one of the opening lines of your meeting or early in the conversation when you find yourself wondering what the other person wants from you. For example:
"Hi Mark, good to see you! So, what's this meeting about? What were you hoping we'd accomplish?"
"So Helen, it sounds like you're concerned about how the schedule is slipping. What would you like to get out of this conversation with me? Was there specific advice or input you wanted? Or did you just want to give me a heads up?"
"Hey Jerett, thanks for meeting with me. Before we start, I'd love to clarify a couple of things I hope we walk out of here with. I'd like to get your agreement on whether we're ready to move forward with X, and then get your input on Y."
Typical goals for 1:1 meetings include
sharing information so that one of you can go take action
reaching an agreement or making a decision together
creating a list of next steps
Use the goal to keep your conversation on track. Often people provide unnecessary context, raise unrelated issues, or just lose track of what they're talking about. You can use the goal as a reference point to keep the conversation on purpose. For example,
"I'm not sure I need all this detail right now. If what you want is my agreement on X, let me just ask you this last question..."
Go save some time! Let me know how adding goals to your 1:1 meetings works for you.
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