Life+Work

Useful Tips for Introverts on How to Get Out and Network

"I'm Jane, I'm an introvert, and I'm networking challenged." In the comedy routine of my mind, I feel like there should be an introvert support group where we introduce ourselves. If a group like that exists, I'm sure it would be small, just the way we like things.

Like several of my coaching clients, I need to get out and network as part of my business. I find it's an activity that in the past I have avoided, postponed and outright dreaded. The thought of walking into a room of strangers, all happily talking and networking away, scares the hell out of me.

I have an extremely extroverted friend who goes out to networking events one or two nights a week and *loves* them. Over the year that I've known her, I've watched with awe and envy as she builds, nurtures and leverages her connections from those events to create an amazing professional presence that serves her career in multiple ways. She recently encouraged me to go to a networking event and I decided to take my envy and do something useful with it. I said yes. Panic set in just moments later. 

I asked my extrovert friend a series of questions she found very odd, since social skills are like breathing for her, but I managed to learn the following useful tips. These strategies were simple, reassuring and actually worked for me. I managed to successfully network in a ridiculously crowded room for almost two hours, making some good connections and leaving flushed with pride, thinking "Wow, I did it!!"

• What do you do when you first walk into a crowded room?
  
  • Arrive and get your bearings by going and doing something, like finding a place to set down your things, get a drink or appetizer, browse a literature table. I'm really good at this part, so it was reassuring to know it was a legitimate starting point.
  • Stand and look around. I usually have blind panic driving me to find an immediate landing pad, so I was surprised to hear my friend say "Don't feel bad just standing there sipping a drink, it really is ok to not interact with anyone immediately." Wow, extroverts think it's ok to stand there alone? Who knew?
  • Look to see if you know anyone. Talking to people you know is not only more comfortable, but the easiest way to be introduced to new people. I was shocked to hear an extrovert who regularly goes to networking events say that it's really hard for her to walk into a room and not know anyone. I thought bee-lining for people you knew would be cheating, but it turns out to be a perfectly valid strategy!
  • Look for other people standing alone. "It's always awkward to go up to a group of people who are already talking. Someone standing alone will welcome your company." This was another surprise for me, coming from an extrovert. I always thought it was my own social shyness that kept me from being able to join a group of people already talking. Turns out, it's not the best idea anyway. 
  • Make eye contact first. To really know if you'll be received and welcomed, make eye contact as you cross the room. It's both a signal that you're interested and a double-check that the person is open and interested in connecting with you. Don't forget to smile and breath while you do this. (I stumbled into a great blog for introverts while writing this; I love her post on party survival tips for introverts, which had these and 10 other truly useful tips.)

• What do you say when you first walk up to someone?
  
  • Introduce yourself, then ask a starter question like
    
    • What do you do?
    • Have you been to one of these events before?
    • What did you think of [the speaker, the presentation or anything that's happened at the event]
  • Know that everyone at a networking event is there for the same reason--to meet people. This actually makes conversations much easier to start and maintain than at a cocktail party. At a networking event, you all are interested in finding out what others do and sharing what you do. 
  • Ask questions, be interested. This is always my favorite strategy for connecting without having to talk before I'm ready. By the time it's my turn, I've relaxed a little and feel enough rapport to be comfortable talking with a new person.

• Then what? What's the point of all this talking and meeting?
  
  • Meet enjoyable, interesting new people. Bad networking is moving around a room pressing business cards into people's hands and not connecting. Good networking is making new connections that you enjoy.
  • Go for an enjoyable conversation! Nothing more needs to happen. I always imagined that "networking" was about making really strategic business connections and there must be some secret agenda strategy good networkers employed. But my extrovert friend actually burst out laughing at this question, the answer seemed so obvious to her. Liberating answer for me: I do know how to have enjoyable 1:1 conversations and find starting with non-personal work related topics very comfortable.
  • Build connections over time. Look for opportunities to network again with the same people. One of the reasons my friend enjoys networking events so much is that she sees the same people over and over. She genuinely enjoys their company and what she learns from talking with them. And added benefit to this is knowing more people to start with the next time you come back!
  • Give first, be open to whatever might come next. What kind of information, advice or connections can you offer the person you just met? Being a genuinely useful contact makes you memorable. In return, your new connection could lead to a new job opportunity, a source of useful information, a link to another even more interesting person. My friend just had an incredible new opportunity show up in her life as the result of a network connection she made years ago. She helped that person out, he remembered her, and years later made the introduction that lead to her current good fortune. You never know.

Creating a Communication Plan for Influence Management

Just got off the phone with a coaching client who has goals that rely completely on her ability to influence others to do the work. We looked at how she could create a focused, intentional communication strategy to guide what she says to whom and how best to do it.

Influence Management Communication Strategy

Identify your difference audience segments. Individuals or organizations who:

• Share the same perspective, needs or connection to your goals (e.g., all chiefs of staff or dept heads, all practitioners or staff in a particular area)
• You would meet or communicate with at the same time (e.g., everyone on a particular committee or in the same dept). For an individual essential for you to influence. plan for at least some 1:1 meetings.
  

My client is a senior leader responsible for influencing the actions of several other senior leaders and key members of their organizations. It's not possible to meet with everyone at the same time, nor would the message be the same for everyone. I'm helping her figure out how to "bucket" or categorize the different segments of her audience so that we can tailor the communication message and mode appropriately.

Identify how and why each person or group is important to you.

• How important is their work to your goals?
• What specifically do you need from them to support achieving your goals?

Not every stakeholder is equal. For my client, influencing one particular Chief of Staff was more important to achieving her goal than anyone else. She needs him to be a strong, visibly supportive champion of her goals in order for her to get the physicians, nurses and other staff in his organization to take action. She'll dedicate far more focused time and energy meeting with this Chief of Staff than anyone else, and know it's time well spent.

How often and by what means should you communicate?

Although keeping everyone's focus on her initiatives is crucial to her success, she has many other job responsibilities and only so much time in the week to dedicate to communication and influence. We confirmed that she has the right level of communication for each segment of her audience, based on how important it was to influence them. For the two Chiefs most important to influence, she has weekly 1:1 meetings. She meets with the remaining Chiefs in weekly team meetings. For nursing and other support staff supervisors, monthly team meetings and/or email communication is sufficient for successful influence. For all other medical center employees, general communication modes like newsletters and posters are enough additional communication to support pass-downs they receive from informed Chiefs and supervisors.

How can you best support this audience of stakeholders?

Often what you want from a stakeholder requires them to make a change, commit time or supply other resources. Find out how you can make it easy for them. One client I work with had been at an impasse in a key project for months because he couldn't get a critical stakeholder on board with his initiative. He finally got a breakthrough commitment from them by taking the time to sit down and help them solve the problem his proposal was creating for them.

Identify what to communicate. For each segment of your audience, ask:

• What messages do you need them to hear?
• What actions do you need them to take?
• How can you deliver your requests and message in a way that motivates and influences them to take action?

Part of being influential is you being a clear, passionate communicator. The other part of influence is knowing how to get your audience inspired and motivated to take clear and specific action. My client has different, specific things she needs from Chiefs, nurses and general medical center staff. We are listing out the specific requests she has for each audience and tailoring her message to include the kinds of information that inspire each audience. For example, for Chiefs she is now going to include regular updates on two key metrics they are already highly motivated to manage. For nurses, who are motivated by participation of doctors in key initiatives, she is emphasizing stories and data that show how doctors are participating in the initiative.

Four Elements of Effective Delegation

One of the senior leaders I coached today told me a classic failed delegation story: "I delegated some research work to one of my junior staff members. I asked her to follow up with a client who needed us to assess the effectiveness of their web site. I gave her the client's phone number, asked her to call and get the URL, then look over the web site and give me a report on what she found on the web site. A week later, she emailed me 'Here's the URL you requested.' "

You can almost hear her sigh of frustration, can't you?

I find as I coach leaders that there are very specific elements that go into effective delegation. Without these, delegating becomes a frustrating cycle of failed attempts to get work done that leave you wishing you'd just done it yourself. Maybe even questioning the competency of your staff. 

Here are four key elements to effective delegation:

• Explain context and big picture. People do tasks more effectively, independently and intelligently when they understand how the small task fits into the larger picture. 
• Ask questions. Don't assume you've been clear. Find out. For example, the leader I coached today might have asked:
  
  • Are you clear about what I want you to look for on the client's web site? 
  • That was a multi-part request--will you recap it for me so I'm sure you caught it all?
  • What questions do you have about how to summarize that in a report back to me?
  • What's your workload like? When will you be able to fit this in?
    
• Build in ownership and full responsibility. I've heard more than one leader complain about staff not following through on assigned tasks. Here are a couple of ways you can build in ownership:
  
  • Have your employee take notes on your request and send them to you in email. This allows you to verify they heard and understand all parts of the task. It also gives both of you a written record of the request. Easy to forward the email to them later and ask "where are we with this?"
  • Make it clear how and when you want them to update you on progress. Not every employee realizes that it's their responsibility to loop back with you. Successful delegating means you don't have to track and follow up on your requests.
  • Be clear about the priority of the task and consequences of not doing it well or on time. Like understanding how a small task fits in with the larger picture, people are more likely to take the appropriate level of care and responsibility when they're clear on it's importance.
• Assign a deadline. Even if there isn't a clear deadline, assign one. We all tend to put things off until they're due.

Challenge of Introversion: How to Speak Up More in Meetings

"You're not adding enough value in meetings". Just in the last year I've coached close to a dozen people who all got the same feedback from their manager. All turned out to be introverts on the MBTI (Myers-Briggs Type Indicator). As I asked more questions about each situation, I realized "not adding enough value" was code for "we want to hear you talk more".

One of the biggest differences between extroverts and introverts is how we process and share information. Extroverts talk to think. Introverts think before they talk. For many introverts, trying to talk in a team meeting is like trying to jump on a fast moving merry go round set in motion by the extroverts in the room. The extroverts are happily processing their thoughts out loud. The introverts are listening intently, trying to process everything they're hearing, find their own insight or opinion, then find the right words to express it.

Typically one of two things happens when an introvert finally speaks up in a meeting:

1. They contribute something completely brilliant. Everyone appreciates their contribution and wishes they would speak up more often. 
2. No one hears what the introvert has to say, either because it's not said with enough volume and conviction to be noticed over the happy din of extroverted thinking and/or because the contribution is made so late in the conversation that everyone else has moved on in their thinking.

So how to get into the conversation sooner and get heard? Silence your inner Editor. Be willing to toss out draft ideas and not worry about how they'll be received. You can always edit out loud by adding clarifying details or a follow on comment like, "Maybe an even better way to say that is..."

 One thing a lot of introverts I coach have in common is an Editor in their head who convinces them what they are about to say is somehow not good enough: it's not on point, it's not strategic enough, it's probably not important enough to say, etc. The Editor's commentary adds mental noise and physical stress to the introvert's system, making it even more difficult to put coherent thoughts together and find a good moment to leap into the discussion. Send your Editor on a break and join the extrovert party--think out loud.

 

Managing Reality: Little Lies We Hide Behind Every Day

I’ve just been confronted, yet again, with the perils of “managing reality”—deciding that the full truth of what you’re feeling or thinking is not acceptable. It’s the role our egos play: managing the information going out so that we look good, make others feel good, or any other seemingly good reason that leads us to in effect lie to the world about what’s really true. I keep learning over and over that it’s a serious wedge in my relationships. The other person doesn’t really know me. They know Managed Me.

One of my good reasons is that I like my personal relationships to be harmonious. Not a bad goal. Perhaps not yours. But it’s been my goal as far back as I can remember: six years old, trying to get my two best friends Julie W and Julie C to stop fighting, shake hands and let us all be peaceable friends. As an adult, I catch myself doing a lot of things to keep the peace that aren’t always such clean simple gestures. I find myself not saying all of what I’m feeling. Or I clean up the truth and present it in such a nice package that the essential message gets blurry or worse, completely confused with another message I wasn’t intending.

Last week I actually created stress and upset by trying to manage it away. I was in a bad mood and answered a phone call I had planned not to take. A wise part of me knew that I needed space. But I didn’t clearly ask for this. I sent a pleasant email the night before saying I probably wouldn’t have time to talk in the morning. Not at all the same thing as saying “I’m in a horrible mood. Not up for talking—can you send me details in email?”

You’ve done something like this, haven’t you? Made an edit in what you said that seemed harmless at the time, but in fact was a really significant discrepancy between what you said and what was really going on inside you? My rationale was something like “Do I really need to discuss my bad mood? If I don’t bring it up I won’t have to talk about it or answer questions that could be stressful.”

When the phone rang, I knew I hadn’t really asked clearly for space and had the thought “it would be rude not to answer the phone.” I tried to be civil. Gritted my teeth through mounting anger about…I don’t even know what now. Everything we talked about seemed to get me more upset. Through it all, I did my best to be civil. Not surprisingly, the other person got off the phone thinking I was mad about the specifics of our conversation. It was needless, confusing upset about things that didn’t start out being the problem—a divide created where none existed. The real truth would have been so much simpler.

Today I re-commit myself to what often feels like ‘the way of the warrior’: take the risk to expose my real self and say the simple truth at the heart of what I’m thinking and feeling. What simple truths are you ready to take a risk and reveal?